It's been awhile

I may have lost the bloggy spirit. It has been nearly a year since I posted anything. There is not a whole lot of excitement going on at the moment, but my realization of blog neglect compelled me to at least jot something down.

Today is Thanksgiving, and there are countless things in my life for which I am thankful. All the usual suspects fall into this category: family, friends, house, cat, medicine, school, oxygen

I am nearing the end of another semester. Spring brings the last real semester of my undergraduate experience. Summer will be the internship, and then hopefully I will be employed and finally getting paid to do what I do best: Save the World!

Grad school looms in my future, taunting me with promises of a more substantial salary. I do want an MSW, I know so much more can be accomplished with one.... but, I'm really sick of my kids not having health insurance in the mean time. I need to work for awhile.

Gary has been awesomely patient with this whole process. I also feel very fortunate to have a schedule that allows me to be at the kids' school so much. I truly love being there to help out when I can. Zoey and Oliver both seem to appreciate my presence there. I was doubly fortunate this semester in that my macro community project has not only earned me a stellar grade in Practice 2 class, but also benefited their school as well! I'm all about that social reciprocity, baby!

I still do not know where I will land after graduation. I have had a nagging feeling that tells me to avoid the CPS stipend simply because I do not want to be stuck potentially working in Waco for 8 months... and yet, the whole issue of the kids being insured and having a guaranteed job right after walking the stage is alluring. I keep reminding myself that everything works itself out in the end and I should not fret in the mean time.

Sleep beckons.

Jesse Kyle Martin

Dear Jesse,

Last night Brandon told me you were gone. He said you decided to kill yourself in 1999. I told him that every so often I search for you on Myspace or Facebook, hoping that you would pop up. I now know why I never found you. I still remember the way you smelled, smiled, and had a quiet nervousness about you. I remember how we would playfully argue about Pontiac Grand Ams. I have always had a thing against them, and you loved your old car. I remember going to see KIDS with you at Village Cinema Arts and how I wondered if my emotional reaction to the movie would scare you away. You seemed so innocent, and I was already a mess. I remember your apartment on Riverside and how you were actually nervous at times about living there. I remember laughing at you about that because you had yet to find out that I lived in the heart of the ghetto. I remember your profile on After Hours - Hometown: "Lubbock or Leave It". I remember feeling very sure that I did the right thing by you when I broke it off, I felt you were too smart, had too much potential and that I would only be a bad influence on you. I remember feeling like I was too much of a distraction for your studies. I wanted you to finish your education and do great things. I was hurt when you started dating that mess of a girl whose name I don't remember. Rubenesque, that was her handle online. The situation disgusted me, how public she was about her exploits with you. I was mad that she didn't see you and hold you in as high regard as I did. That is why I disconnected completely and never spoke to you again. When you left Austin and went to Dallas I was glad that you were getting out of this situation. A year or so after you went up there I took a random road trip to do some partying with Becky. I called information from a pay phone to try to find you and was unsuccessful. I wanted to rekindle a friendship because you were just that cool. I wish I had tried harder that night, I don't know how or what I could have done, but I wish I had found you. All these years I was so sure you were out there doing something important. I was so sure that I would see you on Facebook one day, with a big happy family standing in front of a big happy house. I am sad to know that will never be the case. Goodbye, ten years too late.

Today's Rain

It reminds me of that evening in August of 2005. Zoey and myself were driving home, heading north on the access road of IH35 between Airport and 38th. Red light turns green, all things seemingly normal. Then smash, we are suddenly pushed off the road, under the over pass and stop about a foot from the solid cement pillar. We are okay, our cute little Spectra is trashed. Behind us is a white Honda, also trashed. The driver is a young girl, shaken to the core but okay.

I wanted to punch her. Her shoulders shook violently as she cried and profusely apologized. She couldn't stop looking at Zoey. I did, really want to punch her - she could have killed us.

Instead I hugged her and told her it was okay, that cars could be replaced. I wonder if she's a better driver these days....

The hustle and bustle of a yard

Spring has sprung. The former owners of this house were blessed with green thumbs and now I get to enjoy the fruits of their labor. There are roses every shade of pink and with the window open the breeze blows their sweetness right in. There are bumble bees and butterflies flitting around all the other flowers that I will probably never learn to identify - a lot of different purple, pink and yellow ones. The cactus is budding, the pecan trees are finally waking back up. My yard is full of happy birds pecking at the moldy bread I just threw out. Puff is sitting on the widow sill wishing he could catch a fat bird. Everything is beautiful today - with the exception of the angry man who just pulled up across the street and is cussing loudly into his cell. Weirdo, get outta my hood.

The past few days

Have been very melancholy. A lot of stupid shit has happened that I think would ordinarily not be a very big deal, however when in a certain mindset it all feels much heavier. It's so easy to become the center of a universe spiraling towards infinite doom. What makes it easier to do so is the fact that we are all doing the same damn thing. We are all so consumed with spinning in our own bullshit that we are too dizzy to help pull one another up.

I wonder what it takes to be one of the few that stop the motion? Just cease the ride and be still. Perhaps even gain footing steady enough to help others. It seems terribly simple, and yet totally out of reach.

Just fiction

The last breath of life puffed softly from his lips at 8:03 on a Wednesday morning. The days leading to that moment were etched forever in her mind; a mind now shackled and constrained with memories. The years and emotions had been turbulent waves crashing against her like the merciless sea. She looked down upon him and knew it was over, her heart and soul sighed with some relief, but still her mind could not relax. It never once occurred to her that the heart and soul should be the ones to hold on. She had never known normalcy in matters of the heart. She had often thought of this day and how she would embrace her freedom and finally live for herself. Now that the day was here, she was unsure of what to do with it.

Sometimes death liberates more than those dying.

Mountain air

Our road trip led past mountains and through tiny towns. Peering up at the towering peaks, straining my eyes to see into all the nooks and crannies; I wondered what it would be like to wander around like a wild mountain person. You know, one of those hairy people who shun society and live off the land - a hermit. There is a giant world all around us and yet we are content to stay put in the same spot for a majority of our lives.

Less is more. I want fewer material things and more exploration time. I never want to stop seeing new parts of the planet.